S to the Power Of Six!!!

Suggested Reading Before You Go To China!!!

When Shelby and I started this process just over a year ago, the first thing we did was to join one of the online groups. Ya know the one……”the list that shall not be named”. Yes I am talking about APC. Over the past few months, it has gotten to be very painful to read this board. Don’t get me wrong - at the beginning it was very informative. We found many suggestions about books to read before we went to China. These books were/are all geared to preparing yourself for the adoption: Chinese culture, adoption/attachment issues, infant/toddler grief etc. Ya see in China, things are a little different than they are in the United States. Adoptive parents need to remember that they are going to a different country (with a different culture, different attitudes, different ways of thinking) and the things that are socially acceptable here might not be socially acceptable there. So please become knowledgeable about adoption in China and Chinese Culture, and Provincial Culture for that matter, before you go over to China. It can only help you and your child in the long run. And of course, it helps to alleviate that “American Tourist” stereotype!

Besides reading books, adoptive parents should talk to people who have adopted from China. They are a great resource of information. There is a great couple in our neighborhood who adopted a beautiful girl from China. She is even from Kunming - the same province as Sawyer. They have been wonderful. These parents (and even their daughter) have told us about Kunming and the Yunnan province: about the people, cool places to eat, cool shops to go to, and about places to see while we are in Kunming. The most important thing they told us was about the people and what to expect from them, what type of food they have and where the cool sights can be seen. One thing that they kept reiterating is that you need to dress your child in long sleeves and long pants all the time, regardless of the weather. Ya see, the Chinese believed that if you show too much skin on the child, the child will become cold and could get sick. If you walk around and your child’s skin showing, the older generation will come up to your child and try to pull the sleeves and pant legs down to cover the exposed area. They do this, not out of disrespect, but only because they are TRULY CONCERNED ABOUT THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILD!!!! The Chinese truly parent via the infamous “village” method (i.e. Hillary Clinton…not the Village People, although we do plan on raising Sawyer to love their greatest hits…its fun to stay at the YMCA). The Chinese love their children, and their behavior is culturally acceptable. DEAL WITH IT, RESPECT IT and do things differently when you are back in the States.

Anyways, on to books! The first book I suggest reading is 'The Lost Daughters of China' by Karin Evans. It doesn't matter if you are adopting a boy or girl. This book was a wealth of knowledge. It also told us about how to dress the child while in China. But, the main theme of the book is what to expect when you adopt a child from China. It introduced us to the whole process of the wait, the referral, the orphanage customs, the gift to guides and facilitators, the gift to provincial personnel, the gift to consulate personnel, and what to expect from the people in China. This book is a must read for anyone who is adopting from China.

I also recommend that you find a travel guidebook for the province where you will be traveling. Not only will this book give you ideas about places to see, eat, or stay, it will also give you background on the area you are visiting. For instance, since Sawyer is in the Kunming SWI, we bought a book called 'China: Yunnan Providence, The Bradt Travel Guide' by Stephen Mansfield. In this book, it gives you the history, customs, religion, and the story of the many different minorities in the Yunnan. It also talks about where to eat, stay and what to visit while in Kunming. We also bought a book for quick reference on Mandarin phrases. A funny thing I saw in this book didn't even pertain to trying to communicate. It said that people in China are more lax in public. The passing of gas is normal in everyday life. I find this very funny, and it is a tradition that I will bring back with me and teach Sawyer (sorry honey, but it is like taxes, death and watching football – inevitable).

Since we are adopting a toddler, and this is the first child for both if us, Shelby found a book called 'Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft' by Mary Hopkins-Best. This has been suggested reading by many people who have adopted toddlers. One blog I have read, and also suggested this book, said that they have both biological and adopted children. This book and these people have said that nothing is the same when it comes to attaching to an adoptive toddler. When he/she throws a tantrum, you DO NOT ignore them; you hold them close and tell them that it is okay. They need to understand that you are going to be there for them and you are not going to leave them. It says to remember that a majority of these children just came from a stable environment (where some may have had foster parents that they thought of as their mama and baba) and now they are in a completely new place with new people (who do not look like them, act like them, talk like them or even smell like them) and who are now automatically assuming the role of mother and father. It will take time for the child to adjust, but the worst thing you can do is ignore the child when they are having a meltdown. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, hold them close and let them know that you will be there for them. They are having the tantrum because they are confused, possibly grieving and most likely just plain old frustrated! They do not need boundaries put up at this time – they need to know that you will be there for them no matter how hard they cry, no matter if they hit or slap or bite, and basically NO MATTER WHAT!!!

We believe that one of the most important things we can do for Sawyer is to have an understanding, appreciation and respect for his culture and his homeland. We may not always agree with China’s way, but we will always be respectful of and thankful to China for giving us the greatest gift imaginable. Please do not go to China with the attitude “I will do as I want” and disregard Chinese social norms that do not match your own. Please be open-minded and respectful!

And for god sakes, DO NOT USE A HARNESS TO CONTROL YOUR CHILD (Hip Huggies, Backpacks and even carrying them in your arms are better alternatives). Finally, EAT THE DARN FOOD: diversity won’t kill ya, and neither will a bit of “traveler’s tummy”. Lord knows we are not traveling to China so we can eat KFC and Pizza Hut.

Bottom-line – we are so excited for our TA to come and have much more reading to do. If you have other suggestions or comments for me, please don't hesitate to post them – we are open-minded after all.