Today was a very challenging day. Saffi is testing every boundary imaginable. It is hard because I have to be so firm with her and I feel like all I am doing is speaking harshly to her and telling her no. She is constantly running away from me and will not listen to me. She thinks everything is funny until she realizes that she is not going to get her way - and then the wailing for mama starts. I have to realize that she does not really view me as mama, let alone even like me. And I am not yet attached to her. I know she is part of our family and that she is my daughter, but the motherly love is just starting to grow. I care and love her deeply, but I must also attach to her. Attaching to an older child can be very challenging, especially with limited communication. While it easy to tell her "no don't do that" in Mandarin, I don't know enough Mandarin to explain to the reason why. While attaching to Saffi is going to be very challenging, I know and my husband knows that we can work through this as a family. A lot of people don't talk about this part of adoption because they want to preserve that ladybugs and rainbows image. Of course, it doesn't help that I am sick and can't seem to get rid of my head cold. You know your husband really really loves you when he stays on the phone with you while you throw up all your dinner, while forgetting to put the phone down.
In addition, her foster family was supposed to come to Nanchang today to say goodbye but they could not come. I am disappointed but relieved at the same time. Before we knew they were not coming, I had the guide start to prepare Saffi. However, Saffi started saying that if she sees her foster mother, she will run away from me and go to them because they will take her back home. She was so adamant that she would leave, the Guide was afraid of allowing her to see them and advised me not to bring her down to meet them but to come alone. But they didn't come. So moot point right....except that I feel like I failed adoptive parenting 101 by not making the trip to see them. On the other hand, we will be sending them some gift while we are here in China which Saffi help me wrap. We will also allow Saffi to stay in touch with the foster family as often as she would like.
Thank goodness we fly to Guangzhou tomorrow - I can not wait for Starbucks - the coffee here is like mud - seriously it is thick and drips out of the container like a sludge.
5 comments:
Thanks, Shelby, for this post. It is helpful to hear about this side of adoption - the not so pretty side - the side without the ladybugs and rainbows. As a mom who is about to adopt for a second time, and this time an older child, I have the same concerns. We haven't brought home our daughter yet, but I feel guilty that I don't already feel an attachment with her. I felt a stronger attachment the first time around with our son, but this time its different. I'm not sure if it is my fear because she's a little older, but I just know that I don't feel the attachment yet. It makes me feel terrible to feel that way, but we know as parents that we have to be strong and that attachment and love will grow from both sides - parent and child.
You're doing a great job with Saffi, and I am certain things will continue to improve. She's got an amazing family behind her!!
all the best, melissa/tcm
You're right - I can't think of anything more difficult than what you're going through right now! Enjoy the few moments of laughter you get from each day, I know they're hard to come by right now. I can't tell you that it's going to get easier before it gets harder but know that it WILL get better. You're doing the right thing and she will eventually understand that you're doing it all because you love her and you're keeping her safe. Watch your little angel as she sleeps and know she is longing for love, comfort and safety which is exactly what you offer. I hope your stay in GZ goes quickly and you find yourself at home in the comfort of Scott, Sawyer and Saxton soon. You're an awesome mommy, you need to hear and remember that, no matter what the challenge of the day throws your way.
Keep your head held high and stay confident.
Hugs :)
The Nicholson Family
I'm on the run right now, but two thoughts that might help: 1) every good day/part of day was followed by testing, meltdowns, etc. The war between I'm happy now and I don't want to be, can't be, shouldn't be is at least part of what that's about, I think. It's scary to trust you, and she is going to try you out, thoroughly, I think, just like TieTie did us. 2) Testing is what it's all about, and I think it's progress. Wearing, so very wearing, and boy do we know what you mean about saying no (by the way, he laughed at "Bu dui!" "Bu yao!" was what did it for him.) We did let much go, by this point it was about survival, safety and getting to the next stage: Guangzhou. Out of the province, one more step toward home and new family. But she's looking TO YOU now, and that is a big big step!
If you haven't already, you might talk to her about the flight, in detail. TieTie's a smart kid, but life in the village gave him a particular point of view and there were things he just didn't understand. He asked our guide "I watch the planes, and they are so small. How do all the people fit inside?" But did he love the flight! Took a little doing to get on the plane and all, but he did very well on the whole and when that plane took off he just beamed. Our guide confided later that she told him that the plane wouldn't take off unless he left his seat belt buckled. But did he love it all. DA FEIJI!! Zhe shi womende feiji!
And it was like a weight was lifted. He no longer had the same struggle between his foster family and us; he was on his way to America with us. It wasn't sunny and perfect every moment after that, ohhh no, but the time in the province was behind us all.
You are doing great. This is so tough, and everyone with the "easy" trips and kids will not understand, ever. And there's no contest for perfect Mama that you have to pass; you're her Mama and that's all that matters!
Ruth
Your getting such great advice. This is very helpful for us to read, too.
It's hard to stomach AP's who are still on the ladybug & red-thread rides. They have a rude awakening.
True, no contest for perfect Mama. There is no such thing. Even if you don't feel like you are -
Your doing GREAT!!!
You're doing so great with her ... so wonderful. You're an inspiration! Especially to moms in waiting for older kids. And, you're right: Scott is a phenomenal husband and dad.
How are the boys doing? Any chance of seeing a cute boy pic or two?
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