First full Day...
Today was our first full day together. Saffi went to bed last night at 10pm. She woke up at 5am - which made for a horrendous day. We went to do paperwork at the Civil Affairs office and met a group from Spain. The group was NSN and many of them were very open in their surprise that I was adopting Saffi. Of course, I imagine that some of their surprise had to do with the fact that Saffi was grieving very very hard and wanted nothing to do with me. We finished with the paperwork and went to have Saffi's passport picture taken and paperwork processed. Saffi decided to start climbing the walls (literally) and I decided to use that opportunity to start establishing boundaries. Saffi flipped out - she threw her shoes off and started wailing for mama. Of course everyone was looking at me and people started coming over to try to calm Saffi - making her wailing even worse. And karma chose this moment to have the first screw up of all of our adoptions. Saffi's information was never sent to the passport people. So now we are stuck waiting for her information to make it to Nanchang from Leping. We are hoping that we will not be delayed (fingers crossed). So, I carried a screaming and crying 6 year old out to the waiting car, with all the on-lookers getting a show.
Saffi eventually calmed down and the guide and I talked a bit about her life. Saffi comes from deep in the country of Jiangxi. She was raised in extremely poor living conditions - even by China's standards (I know that sounds bad and I don't mean it like that but don't know how else to write about this). The children of her village - whether foster or biological - are allowed to run very free and have minimal to no discipline because the foster parents are so busy trying to survive. The children run free and unless cold, do not wear shoes very often and are allowed to stay very dirty. They generally do not eat at tables with adults but wander as they eat. Saffi came to me surface clean - once I took off her clothes for a bath, I saw that her toe nails were very long and embedded with dirt; one may be in grown. She is very afraid of the bath tub and can only tolerate about 1 inch of water. Saffi has refused to eat; but once the guide figured out she wanted rice and SAUTEED RADISHES, she chowed. She literally took the bowl and shoveled the food into her mouth. She is very afraid of elevators, escalators, the traffic here in Nanchang and mirrors fascinate her. At least her two front teeth are decayed and she picks her nose like a truck driver (Daddy - she is so your girl!!). She is wild - she is very active and likes to climb everything.
She also came to me with a huge scar on her wrist. I asked the Director about it today and they told me it was a birthmark. Well, the guide followed up and it was a birthmark - one that tunnel into her growth plate and was recommended for removal by the doctor who "fixed" her feet. The doctor thought that the birthmark would stop her arm from growing properly. This was completely undisclosed to us and is somewhat disturbing. Especially given the fact that the orphanage doesn't have the medical records on the birthmark or the surgery.
Frankly - this has been a trying and emotionally draining trip. It is especially hard because I am without my support system - Scott. I never realized how much inner strength I have because of him; how essential he is to who I am as a person and most importantly, as a parent. Although I have faith it will get better eventually, all I have for tomorrow is hope - hope to make it through the day mentally and emotionally intact. I hope that my little girl will start shedding a layer or two of her protective shell and start to let me in. I cant tell you how much I long to hold her and give her the kisses Sawyer and Saxton accept so freely. Please say a prayer for us....
Saffi eventually calmed down and the guide and I talked a bit about her life. Saffi comes from deep in the country of Jiangxi. She was raised in extremely poor living conditions - even by China's standards (I know that sounds bad and I don't mean it like that but don't know how else to write about this). The children of her village - whether foster or biological - are allowed to run very free and have minimal to no discipline because the foster parents are so busy trying to survive. The children run free and unless cold, do not wear shoes very often and are allowed to stay very dirty. They generally do not eat at tables with adults but wander as they eat. Saffi came to me surface clean - once I took off her clothes for a bath, I saw that her toe nails were very long and embedded with dirt; one may be in grown. She is very afraid of the bath tub and can only tolerate about 1 inch of water. Saffi has refused to eat; but once the guide figured out she wanted rice and SAUTEED RADISHES, she chowed. She literally took the bowl and shoveled the food into her mouth. She is very afraid of elevators, escalators, the traffic here in Nanchang and mirrors fascinate her. At least her two front teeth are decayed and she picks her nose like a truck driver (Daddy - she is so your girl!!). She is wild - she is very active and likes to climb everything.
She also came to me with a huge scar on her wrist. I asked the Director about it today and they told me it was a birthmark. Well, the guide followed up and it was a birthmark - one that tunnel into her growth plate and was recommended for removal by the doctor who "fixed" her feet. The doctor thought that the birthmark would stop her arm from growing properly. This was completely undisclosed to us and is somewhat disturbing. Especially given the fact that the orphanage doesn't have the medical records on the birthmark or the surgery.
Frankly - this has been a trying and emotionally draining trip. It is especially hard because I am without my support system - Scott. I never realized how much inner strength I have because of him; how essential he is to who I am as a person and most importantly, as a parent. Although I have faith it will get better eventually, all I have for tomorrow is hope - hope to make it through the day mentally and emotionally intact. I hope that my little girl will start shedding a layer or two of her protective shell and start to let me in. I cant tell you how much I long to hold her and give her the kisses Sawyer and Saxton accept so freely. Please say a prayer for us....
9 comments:
I cannot imagine what both of you are going through right now. It must be very scary for both of you. Find that inner strength and keep on pushing through. When Saffi is freely giving you hugs and accepting you as her family,these days will all be worth it.
You are all in our thoughts and prayers. Saffi is strong, so she's certainly joined the right family! You are so clear about what you know she needs to feel safe that it's only a matter of time before she trusts you. When you think that the whole world is staring at you and judging, know that you have the support of so many parents who have BTDT and seen the other side. And, look at her beautiful smile!
What you've learned confirms our ideas of what TieTie and KeKe's life was like. Nanchang was very tough; it got much much better in Guangzhou. I tried to leave a longer message, but it looks like it disappeared. We are thinking of you!
You can tell Saffi that XiaoTie (Sheow Tee-yeh) was happy to see her picture, and though he was also very sad to leave his foster family ("Ma" and "Yeh-yeh") and his friends, he is much happier now and loves his new brother and sister and mama and baba. He's at school right now, in first grade. He loves riding his bike, playing outside, and building with Legos. He is learning English, but still remembers Mandarin (Putonghua) and Lepinghua.
TieTie was only a little taller than Saffi; he was a solid guy, but much heavier than his first referral shots; I think they fed him more and it took us months to get there (paperchased after finding him.) He is growing like a weed now, but I think he may never be super tall. He was used to rice at every meal, plus veggies. Spicey food. Needed to eat often, so snacks/noodles in the room were important.
The flea market (ask your rep to take you) has toys and clothes; I wish we'd bought more things that he liked and was familiar with. No shoes for him, no underwear for months, and he was used to sleeping in his clothes. Still does. Liked showers with Baba; not used to baths in a tub.
We feel for you. We carried a screaming boy out of many places, or lugged a sullen, protesting, limp boy out of others. And we didn't go many places; he had chicken pox for most of our time in Nanchang. He did not want to hold our hands; but the city was so much new, and he wasn't thinking and didn't understand that much traffic anyway. He loved to be carried piggyback, towards the end of the week and in Guangzhou. (Mama ma! ask your rep for the tones if you have to; it's a little joke, "Mama horse!" Made him laugh!
He also loved the pools.
And just also needed active safe play. Not used to being cooped up.
It got much much better toward the end of the week, and he joined our family in his mind when we landed in Guangzhou. He loved the planes: "Feiji!"
More later if you wish, but just wanted to share in the hopes that it helps. We felt so alone, too, and we were all there. But the only family in the province.
She's a wonderful girl and you'll see more and more of her everyday!
Ruth and John
Thank you for your open and honest account of what your going through, Shelby. Your girl's transition is such a tough thing. I can't imagine what she is feeling.
We appreciate it, as we still have a lot to learn.
Saffi is a strong and beautiful woman, just like her Mom.
Hang in there. Your doing a great job - we believe in you!
Will keep sending out that positive energy for your family.
Reading your post sounded exactly like the day we received Le Ping Xian! I know what you are going through, but it does get better. These children are survivors and do adjust quickly (some quicker than others). I believe my daughter and your daughter lived with the same foster family. Saffi is a beautiful girl. I think I have a few photos of them together. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. We will keep you and Saffi in our prayers.
Teri
I am praying for you - really I am. It is no accident that you are there or that Saffi is your daughter - hang in there!
My heart is with you in China and with your family at home too.
Saffi's smile is beautiful to see. At long last your girl is beginning a wonderful new life with you.
We are here to support you, Scott and the boys through this transition time. We love you all very much and can not wait to m eet our new little Grand Daughter.
Shelby, I can't tell you how much my heart breaks reading your thoughts and accounts of the day. I have to say, it does get better - just remember that. It is so hard to see and feel your baby turn away from Mommy. It hurts so bad that you're not sure if you can get through it but YOU CAN! You know I've been through it, so have many others that know exactly what you're going through.
I am glad so you had a chance to meet Harley and see how it WILL change and she will know that you love her, boundaries and all. Saffi is reacting just like Harley did. Hang in there kiddo - I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way! Please, if you have a chance to call and talk - please, please do. You have a TON of thoughts and prayers coming your way. I love you all to pieces - take care and stay the strong, loving, caring, sensitive and supportive Mommy you are :~)
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