S to the Power Of Six!!!

Happy Fourth of July!!!!


Ahh yes, the Fourth of July. The day we celebrate our Freedom from British rule. The day our young neighbors, well sometimes older neighbors, go out and buy hundreds of dollars of gunpowder, wrapped in paper, with a fuse stuck into it all to make a loud BANG. YIPPEE, do you know how much fun it is to watch your dog dive under your bed everytime she hears a BANG.

Now, don't get me wrong, next year I am going to give my son a show that would make the Tacoma Freedom Fair's show look like a ten year old put it on. But, I have to get permission from my wife first. She might let me light a "fountain" that only sparks and does make any noise; or those things you throw down on the ground and they pop. But who cares, next Fourth of July we will be with our son, watching fireworks, eating hot dogs and drinking soda (Honey, if you are reading this, I am kidding about the hot dogs and soda...she is anti-sugar and processed meat...but what she doesn't know won't hurt her....). I can not wait!

So in recognition of the Fourth, I have made my list of things NOT to do while lighting fireworks:

10. Do Not remove the stick from a bottle rocket, then set it on the ground. It might end up chasing you and you never know where the thing will blow up.

9. Make sure the bucket that you are putting the fireworks out in is full of water. You do want to keep your eye brows, don't you?

8. While lighting an Artillery Shell, do not stand over the tube waiting for it to go off. It will leave a nice dent in your forehead.

7. If your neighbor's fireworks have a louder boom than yours, do not try to add more gunpowder and retape the firework with duct tape. It just doesn't work. Leave the packing to the professionals.

6. If you are intoxicated, put down the lighter, place the fireworks in a dry place, and go to bed. Stupid things can happen while L.F.W.I. (Lighting Fireworks While Intoxicated).

5. Make sure you are outside when lighting your fireworks. You do not want to explain to your wife why you have a new skylight in you garage.

4. If you are afraid of lighting the wick, DO NOT use a can of Lysol to create a long distance flame. You might have another type of firework in your hand.

3. Do Not duct tape the big rockets to your rollerblades to see if you can set the new land speed record, it doesn't work and roadrash sucks!!

2. Don't try to light more than one artillery shell in the same tube at the same time. Your fireworks that you wanted to go up in the air will turn into ground fireworks. This would not be cool, especially if its you first date. Girls don't dig burn holes in their shorts (personal experience).

1. Don't get into a bottle rocket, roman candle, or artillery shell war with you neighbor across the street. Your wife will be pissed when she comes home and finds the front porch covered in ash. But, you could try to tell her that Mount St. Helens blew up again.

Have a wonderful and safe Fourth of July, but just in case, keep 911 on speed dial (personal experience).